Ian Butler: Name Drop Soup

Pacifica is a small enough town to recognize most of the people you meet but too big to remember their names, which is why I support a mandatory name-tag ordinance. In the meantime, here are some memorable local characters:

Jim Vreeland: Our totally stoked mayor won the Pedro Point Surf Club competition, narrowly edging out Gavin Newsom in the final heat. In your dreams, Gavin!

Aron Clark: On Earth Day weekend, he led a crew of extreme litter collectors rappelling down treacherous cliffs to clean up the “Secret Waterfall.” The previously godforsaken site is finally ready for its closeup, (or at least a medium shot), if you can find it, which you probably can’t. Next Earth Day we’ll give out Aron Clark bobblehead dolls.

Chris Ranken: Recently appointed to the county planning commission despite having designed his own home to resemble the Winchester Mystery House.

Bruce Latimer: Celebrated Turn Off The TV Week by taping his record breaking 805th live TV show (luckily there is a public-access exemption).

Keith Fromm: I was going to make a joke about how lawsuit-happy he is, but I can’t afford to fight a frivolous lawsuit right now.

Lucy Wang: Owner of Lucy’s Sweet Delights. When I pointed out to her that her shop’s initials are LSD, she seemed truly shocked, so I guess it was an innocent coincidence, although I just had some of her delicious ice cream and it tastes like fluffy rainbows are coming out of my mouth and spreading out into infinity.

Anna Boothe: Pacifica’s Poet Laureate Pro Tem. Capable of converting any simile to a metaphor using only a #2 pencil with an eraser. In charge of poetic license renewals.

Will Hamelin: Pacifica’s Pot Laureate. He reports that he was on Haight Street on 4/20 and at 4:20 p.m. “the smoke was like the Pacifica fog rolling in.”

Cal Hinton: Pacifica’s octogenarian City Councilman. Despite recent hip surgery, he heroically jumped in front of a speeding car in an attempt to save Camelot Fish and Chips.

Todd Schlesinger: Has said he is running again for City Council unless Cal Hinton jumps in front of him first.

Danny the Homeless Guy: The most recognizable face in town—and the smallest carbon footprint! I have given him a sponsorship, getting him to wear a sweatshirt with my business name on it in exchange for hot showers.

Clark Natwick: The city has presented him with the Open Space Preservation Award. This is very important because without open space, astronauts would always crash their rocketships into buildings.

Frank Cimo: The right-wing ex-columnist probably thinks the previous line is a 9/11 reference. He also thinks that only the American flag should be allowed in the United States. (I think we should just start making them here!)

Emmanuel Wilson: Local riddle master. Once wrote a riddle so difficult that even he couldn’t figure it out. Secretly wears green long underwear with question marks on it.

Andy “Crab King” Pappas: His name is synonymous with the Pacifica Pier. Well, along with Rev. Piers Lahey, of course.

Tait Cowan: Owner of the Log Shop Surf Shop. Like a well-fed hermit crab, it has moved to a bigger location for the fourth time and now has enough room for snowboards, kayaks, and an auxiliary ocean.

Jackie Speier: Our new Congressional representative. During her inaugural speech, she criticized the Iraq war, which angered the Republicans so much that they booed her and moved all of their offices to Dubai.

Steven Hearne: My next-door neighbor. I’ve been meaning to work him in here somewhere.

Important Disclaimer:
I’ve received some email from readers saying that my writing style makes it hard to tell when I am joking. This can be tricky, but there is a simple rule of thumb: If you agree with what I say, then I am being serious; if you are offended, then I am only joking. This is especially true if you are a lawyer. I hope this clears things up.

Ian is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. All previous columns are now available online at IAN BUTLER and here on Pacifica Riptide. Fan mail and frivolous lawsuits should be directed to ianbutler@netzero.net. Ian's columns also appear in the Pacifica Tribune.