The 2008 Miss Pacifica Local pageant was an even bigger success than last year and came off without a hitch, except for the minor detail of accidentally crowning the wrong contestant. But hey, things like that happen all the time, remember Bush vs. Gore? And unlike Bush vs. Gore, all the contestants were highly qualified, unless you count me.
You may remember that last year I appeared as a “contestant” in a lovely pink dress but had decided against doing so again – until Rita the pageant director showed me the breathtaking gown she had picked out for me this year. Plus she said I could play a Bedouin guard and wear a jester costume complete with silly hat, which definitely sealed the deal.
So I was onstage when the winner was announced. I feared something was amiss when the time came to announce the winner, but the envelope wasn’t ready. You know how time flies when you are having fun? Well, it crawls when you are onstage waiting for an envelope; we were up there long enough to thoroughly reapply our toenail polish.
Finally, after some stalling tactics, including last year’s winner Adrianna Manner telling an inspirational story and me sharing a joke from a 3rd-grade joke book,* the envelope arrived. But instead of the winner’s name, it just had the score, which wasn’t much help. (“And the winner is: 237 points!”) Eventually an envelope arrived with names on it, and the lovely redhead Britta Lorenz was crowned Miss Pacifica Local 2008.
The problem was that the judges were supposed to pass their score sheets to the scorekeeper after each event, so she could add them up as the show progressed, except the judges forgot about that part. This led to a severe case of “math buildup,” requiring the scorer to add everything up during the final song, which is possible only if your name is Einstein, Deep Blue, or Rainman. (Full disclosure: My 10-year-old daughter was the “scorekeeper’s assistant,” which we had assumed was a spokesmodel position and wouldn’t include any actual math.)
Later, when there was time to double-check, it turned out that Trisha Callero actually had the most points. But nobody wanted to rip the freshly planted crown off Britta’s head. Some even felt that by holding their score sheets too long, the judges had “cheated,” and therefore a mathematical error was as good a way as any to determine the winner. But really, it was Tricia’s call – and she showed the winning form that has made her Pacifica’s favorite part-time mermaid, insisting that her friend Britta remain Miss Pacifica Local.
And that’s the way it stood for five weeks. But after a while the crown started feeling a little heavy on Britta’s head. (Princess grooming tip: It’s okay to take it off for sleeping and hair washing.) She eventually “abdicated” her crown to Trisha just in time for Fog Fest, which may be the first time in Pacifica history that someone correctly used the word “abdicated” in the first person. Britta is now getting involved with Pacifica Beach Coalition and enjoying her crown-free lifestyle.
Thus, Tricia made the Fog Fest trifecta, simultaneously appearing as a mermaid, Guinevere in the Spindrift play Camelot, and Miss Pacifica Local. Some spectators were confused, like when the producers of Bewitched replaced Dick York with Dick Sargent, on the grounds that they were both Dicks. In this case, they were both redheads, but that is where the physical similarities end (for one thing, Tricia has a tail).
So it all worked out okay. I used to think that beauty pageants were pointless, but I’ve seen the positive effect it can have on its participants, including this year’s third contestant, Tiffany Herbert, who despite being outnumbered, represented the non-redhead demographic admirably. But it has to be done right. Here are my recommendations for future pageants:
1. More contestants. In three years, we have had a total of seven, or an average of 2 1/3 each year. There must be a plethora of girls in town who would like to play dress-up and cut ribbons for a year.
2. Crown the correct contestant the first time, even if it requires a hand recount of all hanging chads.
3. An adult scorekeeper’s assistant who likes math.
4. Rather than one person running the show and making up all the rules, a committee of several people running the show and making up all the rules.
5. More cowbell.
We were fortunate that the girls all had a good attitude this year, but some take this stuff pretty seriously, and some of their parents are lawyers, if you get my drift. In the meantime, we have an actual election coming up. Let’s make sure we get that one right!
Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. Contact him at ianbutler@netzero.net
*Q. Why are gorillas' nostrils so big? A. Have you seen the size of their fingers?
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