Ian Butler: Fairly Unbalanced Endorsements

It’s election time again, and the future of civilization hinges upon you personally making the right choices (but hey, no pressure). To help you decide, I will call upon my unique qualifications, including two semesters of community college and a diploma from the Hyena School of Comedy.

This year we have so much to vote on that we have a special four-sided ballot (not sure what that looks like, but you’d better brush up on your origami). So let’s roll up our sleeves, attach our nasal clothespins, and get to work.

John McCain and Sarah Palin like to call themselves “mavericks.” One thing Pacificans know about Mavericks is that the waves there are enormous—they would eat them alive! Therefore, I am endorsing the only candidate who would have a chance—Barack Obama, who was a Hawaiian surf bum in high school.

Jackie Speier is the obvious choice for Congress because she is hotter than Sarah Palin and can pronounce nuclear.

Pacifica is in the 19th State Assembly District, and although no one is exactly sure what a State Assembly District is, everyone I know is voting for Jerry Hill, because he comes to a lot of Pacifica events and has a really cool beard.

Prop. 1A is for high-speed rail, which is like the Ocean Shore Railroad but much faster and with less falling into the ocean. Vote yes.

Prop. 2 would require that farm animals have enough room to stretch their limbs. Anyone who votes no should be forced to live out the rest of their lives in an economy airline seat. Vote yes.

Prop. 3 is for children’s hospitals. I love children, but they make terrible doctors. Vote no.

Prop. 4 would require pregnant teenagers to notify Sarah Palin. Vote no.

Prop. 5 mandates that rather than locking up nonviolent drug offenders, they would be required to crash on Amy Winehouse’s couch. Vote yes. 

Prop. 6 would designate half of the state’s population as prison guards and the other half as prisoners. Vote no.

Prop. 7 would mandate renewable energy, which sounds great, but everyone is against it,  including both political parties, the Sierra Club, and my barber. I’d better recommend a no vote or my next haircut could be scary.

Prop. 8, also known as “Gavin’s Law,” eliminates the right of gays to marry, denying them the opportunity to suffer like the rest of us. Vote no.

Prop. 9 would keep criminals in prison longer. With the economy tanking, it would be a greater deterrent to release them early. Vote no.

Prop. 10: See Prop. 7, add T. Boone Pickens. Vote no.

Prop. 11 changes the way districts are drawn up. Right now it is done by monkeys with darts. Under Prop. 11 it would be done by different monkeys. I have no monkey preference.

Prop. 12 provides assistance to veterans. It is supported by everyone except those who secretly wish we had lost World War II. Vote yes.

Measures Q and R would tax parking facilities and vehicle rental businesses in unincorporated San Mateo County, if such things exist. Vote yes.

Now on to the stuff Pacificans really care about (judging by yard sign quantity), starting with the school board. We have three candidates running for two seats: Eileen Manning-Villar, Cynthia Kaufman, and Laurie Frater. I will refrain from endorsements because all three are highly qualified and dedicated women, even the one with the mustache. 

We have a highly contested City Council election, with five candidates vying for two seats, $700 a month, and an opportunity to get yelled at by Tod Schlesinger.

Incumbent Cal Hinton may be older than John McCain but is still capable of stopping an automobile with his body.

Incumbent Pete DeJarnatt, also known as “the quiet Beatle,” has done his part to make City Council meetings shorter. Plays a mean sitar.

Mary Ann Nihart was voted in high school “most likely to negotiate a Middle East peace accord.” Pacifica might be a slightly tougher challenge.

Jeffrey Simons didn’t vote in 75 percent of recent elections, in a risky ploy to court the “nonvoting vote.”

Tod Schlesinger consistently mistakes City Council meetings for pro wrestling matches. If elected, he may accidentally assault himself.

I’m rooting for Pete and Mary Ann, with Cal as a respectable alternate. Those who don’t like any two candidates may write in Pacifica’s beloved “Emperor,” frank d. winston. He is no longer alive and it would technically be a demotion, but I would love to see his name in the final tally!

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally, which airs Friday and Saturday nights at 10 on PCT26 (this week's topic: Tod Schlesinger). Email ianbutler@netzero.net. This is an edited version of Ian's column in the Pacifica Tribune.

Comments

[Dan Underhill]

I posted these ideas under "Vote Yes on Prop. 1A: California High-Speed Rail" but I suspect that many readers may have taken it as just another endorsement of Prop. 1A. It is not. Yesterday I had a conversation with a Mr. Evanson who has given some thought to the effect that high speed rail might have on urban sprawl and the loss of farm land in the great central valley. I hadn't thought of it from that angle before but it is bound to speed up a very dangerous trend that is already well underway.

A couple of years ago I heard a radio interview with the author of a book about urban planning in the great central valley. I was driving so I didn't get to write down his name or the title of his book. The author had studied the urban plans that are presently in place for all of the various jurisdictions in the Great Central Valley of California. Urban planners study the populations of an area, project for what increase in population to expect, and try to arrange that there be schools, police, fire departments, jobs, and shopping for the projected population. The above mentioned amenities, of course lure more developers and more residents to the area and the plan is revised again and again to accommodate the projected growth. I don't remember exactly when but this author expected that Great Central Valley of California which used to feed much of the world would soon be unable to feed itself if the various jurisdictions do exactly what they say they are going to do and follow their own respective urban planning.

I have an idea for a law that might make Proposition 1A a good bet. This is how it goes:

Owners of farmland may:

A. Farm it.

B. Rent it to another farmer who will farm it.

C. Leave it fallow.

D. Sell to someone else who will do A. B. or C.

These would of necessity be the only options. There must be no loopholes or it won't work. It takes a very long time to make excellent farm land and a very short time to ruin it. Not every location is even capable of being farm land.

Anyway, I am now convinced that until we get serious protection for farm land I have to reluctantly vote NO on Proposition 1A. I am hoping to vote in favor of high speed rail in the future immediately after we have protected our farm land from development.

[Lionel Emde]

Prop 11, according to Tim Redmond of the Bay Guardian, would require the appointment of a board consisting of five Democrats, five Republicans, and four Independents.
In an overwhelmingly Democratic state such as ours, we are handing control to the Repubs.
Sure has worked well so far, eh?

[Dan Underhill]

Why do people always talk as if Democrat and Republican are the only two ways one might think?

I also have trouble understanding why many people speak of Republicans as "conservative" when that hasn't been true for a long time. There is nothing conservative about giving the US Treasury to your corporate buddies or using the US military to protect what they call "American interests abroad" but are really their corporate buddies assets or somebody else's assets that their corporate buddies wish to steal.

I have high hopes that an Obama administration will live up to the mythology about the the Democrats taking the side of the citizenry instead of siding with the corporations. My hopes are high that he represents a change in the Democratic Party toward walking the talk.
Constantly denouncing Republicans while doing their bidding has done little to reassure me about the Democrats.

Mostly I think we need about four more political parties in this country and they should all get equal access to the media.

[Steve Sinai]

Sorry Frank. I already voted yes on Prop 11.

Whenever one party gets too much control, it's bad news. The Republicans made a mess in Washington when they controlled everything, and the Democrats made a mess in Sacramento when they controlled everything.

[Frank Siciliano]

The redistricting proposition is a bad one. It would allow
the Republicans to get 50% influence on redistricting, when they are actually a very small portion of the electorate. That's not proportional and would give them an unfair advantage. Vote no.

[Tellinit]

LOL about your barber's political views. I am reaching out to other bloggers right now about prop 7 because I believe there is a lot of misinformation about it and the opposition. Please read my blog posts about it. The environmental groups are selling out their purported mission to protect the environment and stop global warming in the name of keeping up their relationships with PG&E and Edison!