It’s election time again, and the future of civilization hinges upon you personally making the right choices (but hey, no pressure). To help you decide, I will call upon my unique qualifications, including two semesters of community college and a diploma from the Hyena School of Comedy.
This year we have so much to vote on that we have a special four-sided ballot (not sure what that looks like, but you’d better brush up on your origami). So let’s roll up our sleeves, attach our nasal clothespins, and get to work.
John McCain and Sarah Palin like to call themselves “mavericks.” One thing Pacificans know about Mavericks is that the waves there are enormous—they would eat them alive! Therefore, I am endorsing the only candidate who would have a chance—Barack Obama, who was a Hawaiian surf bum in high school.
Jackie Speier is the obvious choice for Congress because she is hotter than Sarah Palin and can pronounce nuclear.
Pacifica is in the 19th State Assembly District, and although no one is exactly sure what a State Assembly District is, everyone I know is voting for Jerry Hill, because he comes to a lot of Pacifica events and has a really cool beard.
Prop. 1A is for high-speed rail, which is like the Ocean Shore Railroad but much faster and with less falling into the ocean. Vote yes.
Prop. 2 would require that farm animals have enough room to stretch their limbs. Anyone who votes no should be forced to live out the rest of their lives in an economy airline seat. Vote yes.
Prop. 3 is for children’s hospitals. I love children, but they make terrible doctors. Vote no.
Prop. 4 would require pregnant teenagers to notify Sarah Palin. Vote no.
Prop. 5 mandates that rather than locking up nonviolent drug offenders, they would be required to crash on Amy Winehouse’s couch. Vote yes.
Prop. 6 would designate half of the state’s population as prison guards and the other half as prisoners. Vote no.
Prop. 7 would mandate renewable energy, which sounds great, but everyone is against it, including both political parties, the Sierra Club, and my barber. I’d better recommend a no vote or my next haircut could be scary.
Prop. 8, also known as “Gavin’s Law,” eliminates the right of gays to marry, denying them the opportunity to suffer like the rest of us. Vote no.
Prop. 9 would keep criminals in prison longer. With the economy tanking, it would be a greater deterrent to release them early. Vote no.
Prop. 10: See Prop. 7, add T. Boone Pickens. Vote no.
Prop. 11 changes the way districts are drawn up. Right now it is done by monkeys with darts. Under Prop. 11 it would be done by different monkeys. I have no monkey preference.
Prop. 12 provides assistance to veterans. It is supported by everyone except those who secretly wish we had lost World War II. Vote yes.
Measures Q and R would tax parking facilities and vehicle rental businesses in unincorporated San Mateo County, if such things exist. Vote yes.
Now on to the stuff Pacificans really care about (judging by yard sign quantity), starting with the school board. We have three candidates running for two seats: Eileen Manning-Villar, Cynthia Kaufman, and Laurie Frater. I will refrain from endorsements because all three are highly qualified and dedicated women, even the one with the mustache.
We have a highly contested City Council election, with five candidates vying for two seats, $700 a month, and an opportunity to get yelled at by Tod Schlesinger.
Incumbent Cal Hinton may be older than John McCain but is still capable of stopping an automobile with his body.
Incumbent Pete DeJarnatt, also known as “the quiet Beatle,” has done his part to make City Council meetings shorter. Plays a mean sitar.
Mary Ann Nihart was voted in high school “most likely to negotiate a Middle East peace accord.” Pacifica might be a slightly tougher challenge.
Jeffrey Simons didn’t vote in 75 percent of recent elections, in a risky ploy to court the “nonvoting vote.”
Tod Schlesinger consistently mistakes City Council meetings for pro wrestling matches. If elected, he may accidentally assault himself.
I’m rooting for Pete and Mary Ann, with Cal as a respectable alternate. Those who don’t like any two candidates may write in Pacifica’s beloved “Emperor,” frank d. winston. He is no longer alive and it would technically be a demotion, but I would love to see his name in the final tally!
Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally, which airs Friday and Saturday nights at 10 on PCT26 (this week's topic: Tod Schlesinger). Email firstname.lastname@example.org. This is an edited version of Ian's column in the Pacifica Tribune.