From the desk of The People's Think Tank (where we do your thinking for you!)
"Luckily, Minnesota’s electoral law has a provision for ties. After all the counting and recounting, if the vote is statistically tied, the state should invoke the section of the law that requires the victor to be chosen by lot. It’s hard to swallow, but the right way to end the senatorial race between Mr. Coleman and Mr. Franken will be to flip a coin." (Not Every Vote Counts, December 4, 2008, New York Times)
When John McCain selected Sarah Palin to be his running mate and “partner,” millions of Americans were thrilled and excited by the fact that her selection demonstrated once and for all that every American citizen over the age of 35 who has been a resident in the United States for 14 years is not only eligible to be President of the United States but is also eminently qualified.
What this means is that at long last the American people understand in their guts that, in the political arena, qualifications for an office are often disqualifications (the most recent election notwithstanding). In fact, if a politician is competent, intelligent, ethical, experienced, and honest, it immediately arouses suspicion, envy, and distrust within the body politic.
For Senator McCain, the perfect running mate and future leader of the free world was Sarah Palin, an empty skirt who happily was unable or unwilling to name even one publication that she read. When asked a question during the vice presidential debate, she proudly declared that she wasn’t going to answer any questions because she was too busy connecting to the American people, who, if they had more than a million dollars in assets and a dead moose in their freezer, were just like her. We now know that the typical American family has a Bible, a six-pack, a gun, and at least one unmarried pregnant daughter. As Senator McCain said, Sarah Palin is “…a bresh of freth air….”
And so the People’s Think Tank has come up with a plan to bring more than just a simple "bresh of freth air" to the American political process. It is now crystal clear that any and every American citizen is more than qualified to serve in any and every capacity in the public domain. And that is why The People’s Think Tank proposes an end to bothersome elections, with their tawdry campaigning and attempts to divert a desperate public from their busy lives and favorite TV shows. It will also end once and for all the interference of the judicial branch in the selection process. We call it THE PUBLISHER’S CLEARING HOUSE PRESIDENTIAL SWEEPSTAKES.
Every six years, a presidential lottery will be conducted. (As of this writing, Democrats have demanded that the lottery tickets be given to every citizen and non-citizen over 35 who has lived in the United States for at least 14 years. Progressives in the party demand that the residency requirement be lowered to 14 months. They also insist that citizens of foreign countries that the U.S. occupies should also be eligible. Republicans are demanding a lottery tax of $10,000 per person to keep people out of the White House who were in the lottery simply looking for a place to live and had no interest in continuing America’s role as the world’s policeman.)
On lottery day morning, the president-select will get a knock on the door and be greeted by Ed McMahon. The USC marching band will play Hail to the Chief and the new president will be given five free subscriptions to the magazines of his/her choice. It goes without saying that Ed will be the permanent vice president, and in the event of his passing, he will be replaced by Regis Philbin, who will continue to broadcast his morning show LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY from the Naval Observatory.
Then at long last, when a proud mother gazes down on her baby in a crib and says, “Darling, just think, one day you could grow up to be the president of the United States of America, even if you drop out of high school,” for the first time in the history of the United States she will be telling the truth!
Some have expressed worry over the fact that when we use the lottery system, a president could be selected for more than two terms. Yes, we admit that’s possible, but our response is, so what?
DARRYL HENRIQUES
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