Pacifica Riptide

Ian Butler: Gray-Sky Blues

It’s that time of year again in Pacifica, a time I call the Dog Sled Days of Summer, the days when the weather report warns of heat waves and sunstroke, but around here our biggest concern is actually hypothermia. Just when we’ve had enough and consider moving to a sunnier location  (such as London), Pacifica gives us one of those glorious summer days that make it all seem worthwhile (not unlike an abusive lover).

Some Pacificans suffer from an actual ailment called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D. These people are prone to depression and irritability in the winter, and by winter I mean anytime it is foggy, especially summer. All of us experience it to some degree, which explains the bipolar nature of our city in general, expressed by the following mathematical formula: sunny weather=happy people/foggy weather=grumpy people.

If you were to chart the weather records with past letters to the Tribune editor and Riptide blogs, you would probably find a direct correlation between the level of fog and the level of rancor, although I’m too lazy to actually check myself, on account of all the fog.

So next time you find yourself getting mad at the City Council, take a deep breath and blame them for the weather situation, then demand they do something about it. Such as:

1. Create a color-coded fog alert system (blue: the beach is safe, yellow: head for the back of the valley, red: retreat to San Bruno, gray: evacuate to Tracy).
2. Install fog-activated horns, similar to the tsunami sirens.
3. Build special warming stations with giant sunlamps in key neighborhoods.
4. Add antidepressants to the water supply when the solar level drops below a minimum threshold.
5. Issue excuse slips for our employers as needed.
6. Shut down the gun store during extreme fog events.
7. Pass out emergency sweaters to endangered tourists.
8. Increase our greenhouse gas emissions.
9.  Initiate an “At Least We Aren’t Seattle” advertising campaign.
10. Leave street lamps on during the day. This will also contribute to #8.

In the meantime, plenty of good things are happening around town to keep our minds off the weather. For one thing, after only 50 years of existence, Pacifica finally has its first Indian restaurant. I went to Ocean of India the night after it opened and the food was great, judging by the fact that there wasn’t any left by the time I got there.

Also opening: Palmetto Organic Grocery Store, featuring organic produce, organic garbage bags, and free-range latex condoms. They get their produce from a farm near Sacramento, which works out great because produce grows better there but keeps better here.

The recent Daniel Castro concert at The Sanchez rocked so hard they blew out the power and Daniel finished the night by serenading the crowd with his unplugged Dobro. It was a magical way to end the show, and I recommend they do that every night from now on, like the James Brown cape routine.

Pacifica Film night featured a movie about the Trips Festival, a San Francisco concert in 1965 that some consider the world’s first rave. The movie included interviews of both of the participants who still can remember it.

For years we have been begging Trader Joe's to open a store here, to no avail, but now we are getting the next best thing: Fresh & Easy, which is like a cute little teeny-weeny Trader Joe's. The chain, opening its first Peninsula store in Pedro Point, can cram its goods into a smaller area by judicious use of ampersands. They reportedly have unbeatable prices on 5-packs of beer, 11-packs of eggs, and a baker's half-dozen muffins.

My personal favorite place for a foggy Wednesday is the farmers market. There’s nothing like a just-picked local strawberry to perk up a gray summer day. That and a 10-minute chair massage from Michelle Coxon, although she has to work extra hard to massage me through my parka. Saucy Joe's Knife Sharpening is also excellent but should be avoided on particularly depressing days.

So don’t despair. Fall is just around the corner, and with it the promise of glorious fall weather.  We will then finally need sunscreen and bathing suits, just after Rite Aid stops stocking them.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26, broadcast at 10 o'clock on Friday and Saturday nights. His column appears in the Pacifica Tribune and is adapted here for Pacifica Riptide by permission.

ianbutler@netzero.net

Ian Butler: Going Coastal

After eight months of writing this column, I finally got my first hate mail (or rather hate blog, here on Pacifica Riptide), and it’s a keeper! It’s from a woman named “Kat” and includes this descriptive gem: “...columnists like Ian Butler make me want to throw up in the paper and send it to him.” Wow. I first would like to thank Kat on behalf of my letter carrier for her restraint. I  further recommend that if she plans to read the column online, she should invest in a vomitproof laptop.

My letter carrier may have been spared from delivering Kat’s aromatic “feedback,” but she recently delivered a mysterious email into my mailbox. (Yes, email. Apparently someone doesn’t grasp this Internet thing). It was a paper copy of an email from a group called Pacifica Business for Responsible Government, informing Barbara Arietta that it was kicking her out of the group. Usually getting kicked out of something is considered bad, but believe me, this email would look great in a resume! (Perhaps that’s why she forwarded it around town.)

It said the group was letting her go because she’s a “mover and shaker” with a penchant for “negotiation and consensus,” which is “contradictory to the adversarial position that PBRG takes.” Um, isn’t that like divorcing someone for good manners, or firing them for working well with others? If, like me, you’ve been wondering why some people take an “adversarial position” to pretty much everything the city does, it’s apparently a PBRG membership requirement!

Not sure if Tod Schlesinger is in their group, but he’s in no danger of being kicked out for “negotiation and consensus.” I went on after him at the June 9 City Council meeting, and in my 25 years of performing, he is my second-worst opening act ever (just behind the Spastic Colons at the Fab Mab in ‘84). I‘d come to talk about a Styrofoam foodware ordinance, but before I spoke, he and Mayor Jim Vreeland had the following exchange:

“I came here for an argument.”
“No you didn’t.”

Wait, that was from the Monty Python skit “The Argument Clinic,” but you get the idea. Tod's “adversarial position,” made between personal attacks on the mayor’s manhood, was the importance of not going over three minutes on oral communications (a point that ironically took him five minutes to make.) Eventually, the police chief escorted him from the podium, a routine occurrence for the past year and a half. Stunned, I came on after him and mumbled through my three minutes, although by this time everyone in the room had posttraumatic stress disorder.

Later, wondering how to prevent future trauma, I remembered a line Tod used: “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” and in a moment of inspiration, got the footage of his rant, which had been broadcast on live TV, and uploaded it on YouTube (edited down to three minutes, of course).

I naively imagined that once Tod saw how he came across on the video, he would magically start behaving in a less embarrassing manner, and that peace would be restored to the shire. Instead, the next day I got a lawsuit threat on my answering machine. (Apparently, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander – unless the gander sues for slander!) This made me nervous, but according to the lawyers, because the video is footage of Tod speaking publicly, he doesn’t really have a case against me, although he may have one against himself. His performance can now be viewed at the Gadfly Hall of Fame: GADFLY HALL OF FAME

Several people have said they would like City Council to use other means of controlling such behavior, such as those long canes they use in cartoons, but legally there’s not much council can do. One person suggested an alternative public forum modeled on Speaker’s Corner in London’s Hyde Park, while another suggested a TV show on PCT called “Pacifica Bigmouths.” I don’t know if that would keep abusive speakers out of council meetings, but it might render them very hoarse.

Council came up with its own creative but unpopular solution to the problem: moving oral communications to the end of the night. In the end, they chickened out and just moved orals to slightly later in the meeting, which would weed out only those with the earliest bedtimes.

Freedom of speech is a double-edged sword. Our freedom to say what we like is balanced by the freedom of others to make fun of what we say. In the era of blogs, email, and YouTube, we all have to be careful, because anything we say can quickly become public (especially when we say it in a public forum on live TV). In fact, the only thing that is still completely private is stuff written in newspaper columns. Thank goodness for that. 

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. Please direct all vomit-free hate mail to ianbutler@netzero.net . Riptide adapted this piece from Ian's humor column in the August 6 Pacifica Tribune. We gratefully acknowledge the loan.

Ian Butler: Fun with Names

Now that the Coastal Commission has approved the first-of-its-kind biodiesel facility at the Calera Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant, San Francisco is considering a similar design at its Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant, and yes, it’s the same one that S.F. voters will decide in November whether to rename the “George W. Bush Memorial Sewage Plant.”

So far the debate has focused on how demeaning this would be to the sewage plant, which after all efficiently converts something hazardous into something benign. Some feel the name would better suited for a sewer pipe, or even the sewage itself. Supporters plan a “synchronized flush” when the next president is sworn in, although Paul Addis (the Burning Man arsonist) may try to flush all their toilets a day early.

What does this have to do with our biodiesel plant? Not much, although I find it creepy that it may be replicated at a place named after George W. Bush. My solution: Name it the “President Al Gore Memorial Biodiesel Plant.”

I finally learned the official name of the creek that I have been referring to as the “Secret Waterfall” (the hard-to-find and heavily polluted site I’ve been cleaning up for the past year). One city worker jokingly referred to it as “Doelger Falls,” after Henry Doelger, who paved over the creek in the 60s. But according to Public Works Director Van Ocampo, it’s actually called the Westline Outfall, which is pretty much the most boring name possible, if it can even be considered a name at all.

I propose that we rename it the “Secret Waterfall,” which would look pretty cool on a map (although if it appears on a map, it isn’t much of a secret). Judging from what comes out of it, the “George W. Bush Memorial Sewage Waterfall” would certainly be an appropriate alternative.

It was an inspired choice naming the Devil's Slide Tunnels after Tom Lantos, who worked tirelessly to secure federal funding for the project. But the full name, “The Tom Lantos Memorial Tunnels at Devil’s Slide” is a little wordy, like “Monster Park at Candlestick Point.” Perhaps it could be shortened to something catchy, like “Tom’s Tunnels.”

I always hoped they would name the tunnels after Mitch Reid. He’s the guy who used the Freedom of Information Act and a home computer to force Caltrans to admit the only reason it didn’t consider tunnels in the first place was that its manual was missing the chapter on tunnels. Although “The Mitch Reid Tunnels” has a nice ring to it, Mitch has disqualified himself by remaining very much alive.

Another strong contender: Alfred J. Wiebe (pronounced wee-bee), coastside equivalent of Emperor Norton. The eccentric Mennonite bought Devil’s Slide Rock in 1963, with elaborate plans to build a castle, radio station, apartments, and a restaurant on top of the promontory, which he wanted to rename “Monaco West.”

In Barbara VanderWerf’s book “Montara Mountain,” she describes how Wiebe and a woman who called herself  “Princess Magnette of Belgium” (who had a suspiciously American accent) took reporters up the 200 steps to the top of the promontory to unveil their plans, which included a $10 million yacht harbor.

Wiebe’s unique life included such notable detours as spending a winter in a giant igloo in Sweden with 10 Vikings and 40 sheep. He once appeared on the Al “Jazzbeaux” Collins TV show, wearing five suits and a “thinking cap” consisting of a child’s leggings stuffed with paper. On the show, he hawked instructional cassettes explaining how to make his invention, the “Fig Leaf Windmill,” primarily the rear end of a truck sticking out of the ground. But the invention he most wanted to be remembered for was the “7 Day Wash,” essentially burying laundry in the sand and letting tidal action wash the clothes (patent pending).

Eventually, Wiebe, whom a police officer once admonished by saying, “There is a point at which one can be too weird,” sold the property for next to nothing with one condition: The buyer had to frame a photo of him in a toilet seat and hide it in a secret location on the property. Legend has it that the photo, which features Wiebe with one side of his beard shaved off, is still there today. (The rock is strictly off-limits, so don’t even think about looking for the photo, except maybe at night.)

When the tunnels are completed, sometime during President Obama’s second term, the old stretch of Highway 1 will be converted into a hiking and biking trail. The least we can do is name the trail after Alfred J. Wiebe, at least until it slides into the sea.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. He insists that the facts in this column are true, as far as he knows.

ianbutler@netzero.net

Ian Butler: The $850 Column

Moth Update

Okay, I was wrong to believe the scientists. They said it was necessary to control the Light Brown Apple Moth by spraying us with pheromones (which will make the moths attempt to mate with us instead of with one another). Well, those scientists have flip-flopped!

Now they say the best way is to release “sterile” moths into our neighborhoods. I don’t even want to speculate on how they sterilize these moths (insert mothball joke here), but I’m not sure if they have thought this through. For instance, are these moths monogamous? Introducing sterile individuals will not change the birth rate of a promiscuous species, such as bonobos. If the females are of ill repute, perhaps we should first focus on the education and rehabilitation of these slatternly moth harlots.

Anyway, they say the moths have spread farther. Now that they are in my neighborhood, I am totally against the spraying.

Ian Dishes the Dirt

I was at the Tribune office recently, and Elaine, the paper’s editor, silently flashed me a look that to my trained eye seemed to say “times are tough for newspapers these days, could you please start dishing out the dirt to increase circulation,” although it may have just been indigestion (editor’s note: it was indigestion). Either way, it’s time to take off the kid gloves. Starting with Pete DeJarnatt.

Rumor has it that our mild-mannered councilman is also a professional door shortener! Apparently it’s possible to have an actual career in the door length adjustment industry, although it’s sometimes necessary to supplement your income by serving on the City Council, or telemarketing. Like many Pacificans, I’m happy with the length of my door as it is, and don’t want any politicians abusing their power by passing restrictive door length ordinances. I’ve got my eye on you, Pete!

Speaking of dirt, Melissa Moss at the Pacifica Community Garden is shamelessly using unpaid child labor! I know, because my own 10-year-old daughter was recently made to fashion a 3-foot-high “compost lasagne” out of sod, table scraps, and goat manure. There is even talk of using innocent schoolchildren to plant vegetables. It is time to stop exploiting this vulnerable population and find an acceptable source of cheap labor, such as illegal aliens, or their children.

Everyone knows that Pacifica was incorporated on November 22, 1957, but did you know that President John F. Kennedy ruined Pacifica's 6th anniversary by getting shot on November 22, 1963? It's true! Scarlett Johannson lightened the mood considerably by being born on that date in 1984, but Michael Hutchence, the singer of INXS, spoiled it again by hanging himself on November 22, 1997.

Ron Kino opened his new Ocean Yoga and massage studio right next door to the City Arms gun store. Ironic coincidence, or a shameful attempt to cash in on all those tense firearm enthusiasts in need of a good massage? I don’t know, but sales are brisk of his “Trigger Finger Itch Balm.”

Did you know that there is a community in Pacifica so isolated that you can get there only on foot? Often compared to Bolinas or Appalachia denizens, these hardy individuals called “Shelter Covers” speak their own dialect and fashion crude surfboards out of driftwood. They are fiercely protective of their secret location, and immediately tear down any sign that might give away their whereabouts. But I will break the silence and tell you how to find them— just look for the place with no sign.

Okay, time to dish the really juicy dirt (technically called mud), as in a “famous person, behaving badly.” How about Brian Boitano? Is he famous enough for you? A few years ago, I was working for Brian, the Olympic gold medalist immortalized by the South Park song, “That’s What Brian Boitano Would Do,” when I accidentally broke the water fountain in his courtyard.  Most rich and famous people in this situation would probably say, “Don’t worry about it. I’m rich and you are a poor laborer with children to feed. Here is some extra cash for your stress.” But not Brian Boitano. He made me pay the full $850 to fix the fountain. I paid it but enclosed a letter with the check that said “Here is the money for the fountain. I reserve the right to tell the story about when I broke Brian Boitano’s fountain and he was a cheapskate and made me pay for it.” That story has now been told, and you now know what Brian Boitano would really do.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on Pacifica Community Television (PCT) cable channel 26. Ian acknowledges that Mr. Boitano isn’t a Pacifican but that his former tree trimmer is.

ianbutler@netzero.net

Ian Butler: Star-Spangled Barney

Now that the hills are tinder dry and the skies brown with the smoke of rampant wildfires, it’s time for all patriotic Pacificans to get hammered and blow up enormous fireworks, if last year is any indication.

If the Founding Fathers thought we would be getting bombed and lighting bombs on the 4th of July, they would have made it earlier in the fire season, such as Cinco de Mayo. Because that date is already taken, perhaps we should focus on safer American traditions, such as baking apple pies, throwing water balloons, and breaking treaties.

Because, let’s face it, this fireworks business is getting out of hand. A few years ago I went to the official fireworks show in El Granada, which I would charitably describe as “cute,” as in “cute little sparkly lights in the sky making cute little noises.” It was fun, although I almost fell asleep at the end.

Then I drove back to Pacifica, and when I came around the last corner into Linda Mar, it was like I had somehow transported myself into World War III—only louder! Huge explosions filled the air and shook the ground, the sky ablaze with color, and it sounded as if someone had set off the old Nike missile battery on Sweeney Ridge.

It was so loud I suddenly wanted to be somewhere more peaceful, such as a mosh pit or Afghanistan. I went home to find my dogs cowering in the corner, convinced that they had only minutes to live. I’m sure the night took several dog years off their lives. The only upside to the cacophony was that it probably scared all the Light Brown Apple Moths all the way to Colma.

Of course, the only legal fireworks are the “safe and sane” kind, but we all know they are a gateway drug to the “unsafe and insane” variety. And these days the kids know how to make a major bomb out of five Piccolo Petes and a two-liter soda bottle, which you should never attempt (in fact, you already know too much).

The problem is, fireworks are a major source of revenue for our youth sport teams. If we banned them, the teams would have to resort to other funding sources, such as handgun sales, medical marijuana dispensaries, or baked goods. Another option would be for the kids to get off-season jobs in countries with less restrictive child labor laws, possibly even manufacturing fireworks.

But none of these options are realistic, so for now the city has decided to crack down on illegal fireworks, with a $1,000 fine, plus a stern lecture, for each offense. I don’t know where the money will go, but if we catch enough offenders, we could make up our budget shortfall, and get the Little Leaguers new balls.

Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to catch anyone, because by the time a big bottle rocket goes off, it’s in another voter precinct. The only way to succeed would be to round up everyone, declare them enemy combatants, and instigate Guantanamo Bay-style interrogations. This could be complicated by the enemy’s superior firepower.

Which brings us back to where we started, a nature-loving city whose name means peaceful, that once a year turns its open space into a battlefield.

Maybe the problem lies with our national anthem. There is something about “the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air” that makes you want to blow stuff up, whereas “America the Beautiful” just makes you want to take pictures.

This also may explain why our nation is prone to get into wars that we later regret. For instance, I just read that Pacifica’s share of the Iraq War so far is $114 million, which looks like it must be a typo. That’s enough cash for 1,600 teachers (roughly one per student) or 25 million gallons of gas. For that kind of money, I would expect a state-of-the-art war, with no casualties, designer body armor, and an exit strategy. If this is the best we can do, I would rather go with the 1,600 schoolteachers.

To that end, PACIFICA PEACE PEOPLE is circulating a petition asking the City Council to call for withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. It would be strictly a symbolic gesture, but 300 cities  already have made similar symbolic gestures. Personally,  I would rather focus on changing the national anthem. My choice? The stirring yet easy-to-sing ballad known as “The Barney Song”:

I love you, you love me.
We’re a happy family.
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.
Won’t you say you love me, too.

Try marching hastily off to war singing that!

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26: ianbutler@netzero.net

Civility at Pacifica City Council Meetings

PUBLIC COMMENT AT PACIFICA CITY COUNCIL

Watch Ian Butler's YouTube video of an incident during public communications at the Pacifica City Council meeting, June 9, 2008. These kinds of angry exchanges have been a common occurrence at council meetings for some time now, leading to open debate in the Pacifica Tribune and here on Pacifica Riptide about the definition of civility in public discourse. We welcome your comments on this important issue.

Ian Butler: The N of the World

Warning. This column contains math.

You know those Hollywood movies where the endings are way too implausible to take seriously? That’s how the Measure N election results have me feeling—desperately seeking more disbelief to suspend.

On election night, Measure N, which would provide critical funding for our schools, was winning by a scant 12 votes. The next day it was losing by about twice that. Then on Friday the 13th, with all votes finally counted, it was barely winning by one measly vote! As one frantic supporter said, “Please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the ride comes to a complete stop.”

Now for the math part: 8,532 votes were cast. If you divide that into thirds, one-third would be 2,844, exactly how many NO votes were cast, and two-thirds would be 5,688, exactly how many YES votes were cast. In a sane world, this would mean that Measure N kicked major butt. But in post-Prop. 13 California, a two-thirds majority vote is required for a tax increase, which leaves Measure N one measly vote away from oblivion.

So this town is understandably nervous. If we somehow lose a vote and end up in the loss column, 66 percent of us will be despondent to the point of being unable to procreate, which is just as well because the schools wouldn’t be able to educate our kids anyway. In fact, if this thing loses, they may end up functionally illiterate (but able to read music, thanks to the Rob Schneider Music Foundation).

It’s already pretty bad. These days, kids bring their teachers an apple just so they don’t starve. At the start of the school yearm we got a list of school supplies to purchase, such as pencils, paper, electrical tape, drywall, and spackle. I shudder to think what might be added to the list if Measure N goes down: asphalt? teachers?

But for the moment, at least, Measure N still is winning, which is pretty amazing. It’s not easy to get two-thirds of us to agree on anything, even the fact that “kittens are cute and the sky is blue,” as someone put it (although this time of year the sky is usually white). Getting two-thirds of us to agree that we should fork over an extra $93 a year? The only way that would seem possible is to bribe everyone with $94 a year.

It’s not only the schools that are low on cash. Our families, businesses, cities, state, nation, and planet are in similar straits. Take Vallejo, for instance, please. Seriously, it is the poster child for disadvantaged cities—the municipal equivalent of those starving children in the UNICEF ads. It is $17 million  in the hole but still can afford to spend $2 million for bankruptcy court legal fees.

Of course, that’s chump change compared to Half Moon Bay, which was ordered to pay $36.8 million to developer "Chop" Keenan for accidentally turning a dirt lot into a wetland, which now is inhabited by approximately 36.8 threatened red-legged frogs. This puts the frogs' value at $1 million dollars per frog, which equals (warning: more math ahead) some freakin’ expensive frogs.

And don’t think Pacifica is immune from expensive frog-related litigation. The Peebles Corporation is complaining that Pacifica may have created a frog habitat on its property by not doing anything. And if something like that happens to us, we will be sharing a cramped cell with Vallejo and Half Moon Bay, because our budget is about as tight as the Incredible Hulk’s underpants. Our annual budget is traditionally “all available funds plus one meellion dollars,” which we always seem to miraculously meet using whatever money the city finds under its seat cushions.

Even Colma, the state’s best-funded city, is having problems by its standards, which means the city may stop providing its residents with free cable—and people are complaining about it! Here’s an actual quote: “We’re happy that we have free cable...if they cut it off, the residents would not like that.” Sounds like the guy at the party who whines that he made too much money and his taxes are killing him. Colma says it is a million short, and has only $17 million in reserves, so at this rate it might run out of money in 17 years. Don’t you just hate that?

Colma’s whining notwithstanding, times are tough for everyone these days. Whatever happens with Measure N, we have to figure out a way to make this world a better place for our children, but not for our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having children.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT Channel 26. He agrees that kittens are in fact cute.

ianbutler@netzero.net

IAN BUTLER'S MUSIC WEB SITE

 

Ian Butler: The Evening That Wasn't There

As I have pointed out in a previous column, the Scenic Pacifica 2008 Calendar has a blank square where May 31 is supposed to be, making Pacifica the only May 31st-free city in America. What do you do when your city leaves a day out of its official calendar? You throw a big party! And that is exactly what Pacifica Community Television did on May 31, boldly holding its 3rd annual “Evening With The Stars” event at Sanchez Performing Arts Center. (Motto: “Living the dream of abandoned school cafeterias everywhere!”) 

At the last minute, I was asked to host, because last year’s host Dennis Willis said he didn’t want everyone to get sick of him, which is a noble sentiment. I was more than happy to take his place, because unlike Dennis, I do want everyone to get sick of me. And by that measure, mission accomplished, if I do say so myself.

It’s not that I talked too much, but I was a little off my game, because just before showtime my guitar disappeared. And by disappeared, I mean I opened the case, and it was as empty as the square on the calendar. After a frantic but fruitless search, I ran home and got my emergency auxiliary acoustic, returning just in time to do a song, while furtively scanning the crowd for guitar-shaped bulges. All night I was thinking to myself, “I’ve either lost my guitar or I’ve lost my mind.”

Well, the good news is, I didn’t lose my guitar. When I got home it was sitting right where I left it, next to my brain. Apparently I brought an empty guitar case to the show, which is way off the chart on the stupid-o-meter. It’s a first for me, although I’ve made a similar mistake returning DVDs.

Aside from the “case of the empty case,” the night was a big success, raising enough money for the station to finally afford two-ply toilet paper and double the intern’s pay. Seriously, the evening netted more than $6,000, and honored some honorable Pacificans honorably. This year's honorably honored honorees:

Bill Drake: Former publisher and editor of the Pacifica Tribune.

Kathleen Manning: President of the Pacifica Historical Society. Future historians will wonder how she was honored on a day that officially didn’t happen.

Pilar Schneider: President of the Rob Schneider Music Foundation, which brought music instruction back to our schools (first lesson, put your instrument in the case). She has realized the dream of mothers everywhere: spending lots of her kid’s money for a worthwhile cause. Bonus points for being Dennis Willis’ kindergarten teacher.

Mildred Owen: If there is anyone whose name is synonymous with Sanchez Performing Arts Center, it is Don Francisco Sanchez. But Mildred, as artistic director of Pacifica Performances, has transformed the building into a thriving performance space that would make Mr. Sanchez proud.

Pacifica Military Moms: As it says on their website, “Some heroes dress in capes, ours wear combat boots.” They send care packages to our troops sweltering in 120-degree heat in Baghdad. Their most commonly requested item: cool fog.

John Stanley: As host of Creature Features, he’s been Pacifica’s standard-bearer of non-standardized standard bearing for decades. He recently published a book titled “I Was a TV Horror Host,” which Elvira reviewed thusly: “A well-rounded study of horror hosts, but he can’t keep abreast of me!”

The evening also featured a raffle, live auction, and something called a “silent and blind auction” (celebrity auctioneer: Helen Keller), run by clickpacifica.com. You should definitely check out their website, but I can’t remember the URL offhand.

Really, what makes an event like this a success is the audience, and this one was enthusiastic and well dressed, although some didn’t appear to know that around here it’s considered a faux pas to wear white after Memorial Day.

All in all, it was a memorable night, considering it technically never took place. Next year should be even better. I believe it’s going to be held on April 31.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26, which plans to spend its share of the money on a state-of-the-art laugh track.

ianbutler@netzero.net

IAN BUTLER MUSIC

(This piece is adapted from Ian's print column in the Pacifica Tribune.)

Ian Butler on Modern Plastic: YouTube Video

IAN BUTLER ON PLASTIC: YOUTUBE VIDEO

With music by Ian's sister Margie of Golden Bough.

Ian Butler: Secondary Primary

If you love to vote (and who doesn’t), you are in luck, because this year, we get to vote—twice! That’s because California, in a desperate plea for relevance, moved its presidential primary up to February, just in time for the contest to be decided in June.

That’s better than Florida and Michigan, which moved their primaries to the Middle Ages, which unfortunately for them was before the invention of democracy. (In the case of Florida, this was still an improvement.)

But our legislators decided to have the local primaries in June, because they spent so much time moving up the other primary that they didn’t have time to prepare their reelection campaigns. Plus they took the old adage “vote early and often” way too literally.

I recently got my sample ballot in the mail and after several minutes of intense study am now prepared to share my learned observations. (Due to space limitations, I won’t be discussing the minor party candidates, such as Libertarian, Write-in, or Republican.) 

My first observation: I can get paid as a poll worker! I meet all of the qualifications listed: I’m a registered voter and/or high school student. (Jealous yet, all you unregistered high school dropouts?) It doesn’t say how much I would get paid, but I understand government jobs are quite lucrative, and you can’t beat the hours.

On to the propositions. Hmm, must be some pages missing, there’s nothing on Propositions 1 through 97, you’d better just vote no on all of them to be safe.

Propositions 98 and 99 are almost identical, which is weird because they can’t stand each other. (Like the Swedes and Norwegians.) They both would outlaw eminent domain, a term that derives from the Latin term for “extreme lordship,” which is even worse than your garden variety of lordship. The only difference is that Prop. 98 also would outlaw rent control, which is bad unless you are a landlord who would like to raise the rent on the tenants upstairs who throw loud parties and have way more fun than you.

There are two measures on the ballot, Measure N and Measure O. (As far as I can tell, the difference between an initiative and a measure is that an initiative has a number and is statewide, whereas a measure has a letter and is local.)

Measure N would raise property taxes by $96 a year to help fund Pacifica’s schools. Like most renters, I am totally in favor of this measure (unless my landlord raises my rent by $96).

Measure O would fund county parks by increasing the sales tax from 8.25% to 8.375%. This is confusing because the smallest unit of money is one cent, but if I went to the dollar store and bought one item, I would owe one dollar and 8.375 cents. I’m not even sure how to divide a penny into .375 cents. They should tax us at rates that are easier to calculate, such as 100% or π. Nevertheless, I, like most people, support this measure, which is sure to fail because it needs a 2/3 majority to pass.

The hottest race is for state Assembly, even though it is considered the lowest house of state government. We have three strong candidates, all capable of bench-pressing the federal tax code.

Jerry Hill is the most qualified. He sits on more boards than a third-string catcher but loses points for refusing public financing spending limits. (On the state Senate side, Joe Simitian did the same even though he is running unopposed.)

Gina Papan is a fine candidate. She gets bonus points for her work on Millbrae’s Styrofoam ban, but her dad Lou was an Assemblyman for many years, and some think term limits should apply to the entire family.

That leaves Richard Holober, one of the greatest human beings ever to grace the earth, according to the full-color flier I found on my porch. (It appears the author may have been on ecstasy.)

Running for the House of Representatives is Jackie Speier and some others who don’t have a chance in hell. ‘Nuff said.

Three judges are up for Superior Court: Jerry Nastari, Don Franchi, and someone named Write In. All are equally qualified.

And finally, Pacifica’s own Barbara Arietta is running for the Democratic County Committee. There are five open seats, which helps her odds. I’ve written her a campaign cheer, which she can use at no charge:

"Arietta, she is great, fifth or better in a field of eight!"

So get out to the polls on June 3 and vote for the home team. I hope I’ll be there with my cushy new government job, handing out “I Voted” stickers and macaroons. I’ll try to save you one.

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ianbutler@netzero.net